I have many sad memories, some of which I have chosen to obliterate while some, though forgotten, somehow find a way of creeping into my thoughts at certain uninvited moments.

Some of these sad memories were from my days back home in Bauan while growing up.  One that I remember most is the memory of my mother huddled on the floor, cradling my brother in her arms that one tragic morning when she found him in his room, dead from a heart attack at 21.  It was the very first death in our family.  My brother had asthma and was taking steroids to keep the attacks at bay.  The steroids caused a lot of health complications which eventually lead to his demise.  I remember the day of his interment as if it was just yesterday.  The day dawned gray and a faint drizzle covered the cemetery, as if the heavens felt our loss, as if it shared the pain.  I cried until I did not have any tears left to shed.  I still do when the memory returns.

My dad had a stroke that resulted in the paralysis of his right side.  He was a very intelligent, energetic and sociable man.  A self made man who rose out of adversity to fame and fortune.   I and my siblings grew up in a big house atop a hill, overlooking the ocean.  My father was a harbor pilot.  He provided for his family and while young, I cannot remember ever wanting for anything.  After his stroke, my dad went into a deep depression.  Life was never the same.  The man who was once a leader of men became nothing but a shell of his old self.  I remember watching him drag his paralyzed leg across the floor, trying to make a meal with his one good hand, a memory that brings such pain for what was lost and what was never to be regained.  He passed away on Christmas Day in 1983, barely 2 years after we lost my brother. 

I have a more recent memory.  One that wrenches my heart at each minute of thought -- one of my mom, laying in bed, with her grey hair spread upon the pillow, after a stroke that rendered her paralyzed.  She has given her life for her family and bore the burden of our failures with strength and dignity until the very end.  I regret that I could not be with her the last two years of her life.   My sister Pam had that honor and I respect her for her fortitude and her ever-loving spirit.  Somehow, towards the end, my mom lost the will to live and gave up.  She was laid to rest in the summer of 2005.

These tragic memories have somehow followed me in my journey through life.  They come back now and then to bring me back and remind me, to resurrect the bond that transcends even death.  

But life does go on... and not all the memories bring tears, most bring smiles and happiness too.  Those laughter-filled ones are the ones that sustain me, they restore my spirit.  While the memories I keep, these sad, lingering ones, are the ones that connect me to my past...they are kept inside my heart so I can love, laugh and live each day as if it were my last.